Faster than a sick water buffalo

The high school coach looked disgusted when the throw beat the runner to third.

“Boy,” the coach yelled. “You couldn’t outrun a sick water buffalo.”

That comment made an impression on me as a budding sports writer who was not much older than the poor base runner.

I thought of it again last week when The World’s Fastest Three-Legged Dog chased me down and bit me.

Now most folks incorrectly believe dogs are slower after they lose a limb, but I’m convinced they’re just meaner and more determined.

And if they are small dogs — like the Jack Russell that tried to turn me into a one-legged bicycle rider — they have the Napoleon complex.

You know the complex: A small person goes on a world conquest so he can prove how big he is. This is particularly true if he is from a big state.

One of my biking mates, Steve Moore, insinuated that The World’s Fastest Three-Legged Dog was able to bite me because I’m so slow.

Well, I’m not one to make excuses, Steve, but the dog had the angle on me.

Everyone knows the slowest, fattest lineman can take down the quickest tailback if he has the right angle.

Besides, it happened at the top of a hill, which greatly taxed my speed.

These aren’t excuses; just facts.

And did I mention the sun was in my eyes, I was dodging potholes on a rural Cullman County Road and I was distracted by a loud-mufflered pickup approaching from behind?

I tangled with this evil dog several times before, but this was the first time it made contact.

As it clamped down on the front of my shoe, I curled my toes to evacuate the danger zone. The dog got a mouthful of empty shoe.

I was able to free my footwear, complete with the canine’s slobber and dental records.

Then I kicked the beast before he could attack again. The World’s Fastest Three-Legged Dog scrambled back to a porch where a woman was yelling.

I couldn’t tell if she was yelling at her dog for attacking The World’s Slowest Bicycle Rider or scolding me for kicking a poor, defenseless, handicapped dog.

After giving all of this much consideration, I have determined that I am slower than a three-legged dog, but faster than a gravely ill water buffalo.