In summers past when the boys were home from school, our humble abode smelled like a French house of ill repute.
In case Old Spice aftershave is the raciest thing you splash on your face to attract women, let me educate you about Axe. Axe is a men's line of fragrant personal hygiene products available only in extra strength.
Perhaps fake TV newsman Stephen Colbert put it best when speaking recently of the new Axe Apollo line of products.
"Axe body spray has announced a contest that will send the winner to space — still not far enough to get away from the smell," Colbert said.
Back on planet Earth, the company says its mission is to "help guys get the girl." So, I assume there actually is one girl out there who likes it. She must really be special because a whole lot of guys are trying to out-Axe each other to win her love.
The company commissioned research to investigate the science behind scent and attraction. It found that women in different cities are attracted to different smells. The closest major city to Alabama was Atlanta, where women said they like their men to smell like cherries. I'm not sure what to say about that.
As Valentine's Day approaches, lovesick young men in Alabama might find more direction from Ian Kerner, a dating and relationship expert quoted in the Axe study. He says a girl is more likely to be attracted to a guy if she likes the sights, sounds and smells when they are together.
"Guys who call the South home, for example, might take their girl to their favorite barbecue place or roast S'mores by a campfire to create that desired smoky aroma," Kerner says.
I tried to guide the young bucks in my family to an irresistible fragrance called Eau de Chicken Wing, which requires standing over a charcoal grill for about an hour.
But the boys never listened to the love advice of old Dad.
Instead, they insisted on creating a toxic cloud that made the rest of the household gag, sniffle, sneeze, cough and run out the door for fresh air.
Since our family includes three females who hate the smell, I wondered how many women are actually fond of Axe. I tried to find if a scientific poll had been conducted.
The investigation did lead, however, to the following online greeting from someecards.com:
"Dear Axe Body Spray, Please put a suggested serving size on your bottle. Sincerely, Choking Girls Everywhere."
Scott Morris, executive editor of the TimesDaily in Florence, can be reached at 256-740-5721 or email@example.com.
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